☯ Living Young Wild & Free ☯

Lalala guess what!
I'm bored!
It's only 10:00 and tumblr is boring me..
And I actually did my homework... and if you know me you know that never happens...
 
I really don't have anything to talk about.
(I feel like I'm always complaining on here)
But yea my life's pretty boring at the moment
 
I'm pretty much just going day by day doing the exact same thing
Being boring and acting like I actually care about whats going on in school.
And all the drama that I could care less about.
Who's with who
Who's wearing what to prom or junior prom...
Ohh Junior proms coming up.
I'm not going.. Shocker...
 
Ohhhhh, I know what I can tell you guys about!
Ok soo Heather has an issue....
(that's a shocker...... anywaysss)
I feel like I have no guy friends anymore
(and I know its my fault because lets face it I don't have many friends girls or guys...)
BUT
there's this guy in one of my classes that me and my friend stared talking to kinda recently.
He's a senior (which means he's a year older)
(just thought I'd point this out
because if any of you remember dalton.. yeaaa he's in the same grade... and that worked out SO well..... -.- )
Idk.
I guess I could like him?
At this point I'm thinking purely as a friend
Seriously I'm not kidding I.Need.More.Friends
anywayy
idk he's really nice
might as well?
 
Wow I have a problem.
I people problem.
What is it called when you don't like people and people don't like you...
There has to be a name for it!
Not anti-social..
even though that definitely does apply..
It's more like people see me and run the other way?
LIKE SHREK!
How would you describe shrek?
 
and I don't even like cats enough to be a cat lady....
FML
I'm not even likable enough to be a cat lady!!
 
At least I have food...
LOL WAIT
No I don't...
Cool.
Literally alone.
Forever.
 
THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME!
I have people problems!
 
Ew I have school tomorrow..
...people...
>.<
 
(I feel like I should tell you that this was partially a joke, but I really do have problems with people, like ew go away and let me be an anti-social loser in peace, thank you very much.)

I don't know why I bother anymore...
I'm tired of going through these random bad moods for no reason.
I didn't eat anything all weekend.
Ended up passing out before school yesterday,
My mom brought me to the doctor because shes convinced I have an eating disorder...
And I over heard her on the phone talking to my dad saying I'm too much of a disappointment for her to handle...
That hurt.
But honestly at this point I think she may be right?
Everyone may be right..
shes not the first person to bring it up..
 
I tried eating dinner tonight and I literally felt like I was going to through up.
I can't eat without feeling guilty and the only thing thats been on my mind lately
is how everyone else sees me..
This isn't me!
I don't know whats happening.
I have never once cared what random people thought of me
and now I walk down the hall and think
wow she's really pretty
aw they're cute together
i wish i had a...
ohh wait look at me never mind.
 
I hate feeling like this because I know I'm not ugly.
I'm obviously not the most attractive person in the world
but i'm not ugly.
i'm probably the lesser side of average.
but I literally feel disgusted when I even think about putting food in my mouth.
I have to stop feeling like this.
I stopped myself from self harm
I can stop this..
I hope..

Ok so realization time...
I just went through my facebook.
Back to the very beginning,
back to like 6th grade..
And since then
-I have lost so many friends.
-Stopped talking to so many people.
-Stopped hanging out with different friends every night
Just started pulling away from everyone.
Slowly started keeping to myself.
And then just stopped talking to everyone all together.
People I thought I would be friends with until the day I die I haven't spoken to in years.
I cannot honestly say I know who my true friends are. (with a few exceptions)
And to be completely honest this scares me to death.
 
If I've changed this much in a few years,
(and for the worst so it seems)
What am I going to be like in another 5 years?
I have no idea what I want to do with my life.
I mean I have ideas and dreams of what I would like to happen.
But most of my dreams are so unrealistic they make me wonder if anything I'm dreaming of is possible at all..
I don't have any special talents or abilities.
I feel so average... so common..
There's nothing that sets me apart from every other high school student,
wanting their perfect future,
wishing for their happily ever after.
dreaming that one day they will be perfectly content with their life, sitting back and realizing all the wonderful things they have had..
....I'm nothing special......
And their are very few 'wonderful things' I can remember ever happening to me..
 
I just don't know where my life is headed or where it will end up..
 
________________________________________
On another much less depressing note.
(Because I have to let this out or I'm am probably going to die of happiness)
THERE ARE ONLY 7 DAYS LEFT!!!!!
7 days until potentially the best day of my life.
7 days until probably the happiest day of my life.
one week.
thats it!
even if its only for a few hours its totally worth it.
 
I've literally been dreaming of this night since this summer..
And unfortunately my dreams are usually a he.ll of a lot better than reality
But I am so excited for the possibilities its insane.
 
So potentially this will be the best night of my life.
 
Once again it's about 2 hours past when I originally planned on going to sleep...
So I'm going to attempt to sleep because in 4 hours I have to get up and do it all again..
these are going to be the longest 7 days of my life..
Night lovies Xx

Thought everything was going fine this year...
But to no surprise.
My old habits are creeping up on me again.
 
Thought he was going to make me feel better,
but he just makes me feel worse than i did before...
 
Thought I would be able to get through all my classes.
Don't even want to show up for school anymore...
 
And whats my solution to it all?
Sleep...
My parents are so fuc.ked they don't even realize anymore
Anything that happens my dad distances himself so he doesn't have to get involved.
and my mom drinks... and drinks... and drinks.
Not to the point were she's hurting anyone but herself.
It can't be good, but I'm no doctor so I'm really in no place to judge...
All I know is everythings falling apart again
and I can't handle it,
which is why I keep pulling away from this poor kid I like...
He's nothing but nice to me.
He tries to compliment me, tries to talk to me,
but I can't even think about letting him know.
or acting on any of those feelings.
I would feel like absolute shit if I ever dragged him into what I have to deal with.
No one deserves to deal with all that.
Theres only one person who literally knows it all.
and I can't believe she still puts up with me.
I put her in the middle of so much and ask so much of her and she just takes it all.
I honestly don't understand how I'm so lucky to have her..
I used to think people needed me...
wanted me to be around...
now realizing how wrong I was
she is probably the only reason I'm still here
not like I'd have anywhere else to go...
and its not like I'd ever be able to kill myself..
I'm too gutless to do that.
It would seriously be impossible..
 
My feelings change way to often for me to decide whether I like someone or not...
 
I know how this is going to end.
I'm going to let my insecurities get the best of me.
and add another thing to the list of things that are going to slowly make me break down that no one will ever know about.
 
I don't know why I can't allow myself to be happy.
I just feel like I don't have anything to be happy for anymore.
But I'm going to deal with this like I deal with everything else...
try to sleep it off.
Night <3 Xx

Lol ok soooo
First off hello lovely people of polyvore.
 
Not gonna lie I'm actually starting to miss making my crappy little sets.
But Junior year is a pain in the ass.
I have soo much school work
between art projects and papers I feel like I don't have time to do anything anymore.
 
I think this is one of the first sets I've made since over the summer so I have alot to tell you.
 
ok so 1st off.
Junior year not as crappy as sophomore year but still not great.
I'm still wait for Senior year then I'm off to Florida (Hopefully) for college..
 
Hmmm
Most of my classes are great except english...
(that has to be one of my least favorite classes this year)
but not because I don't like english its just my teacher and class ruin it for me so it went from
being my favorite to another class
I just show up for..
whatever...
 
Honestly I'm in one of those weird places again
where I feel like I should be happy because my life isn't complete shit
like it has been recently but I'm still not entirely happy...
Like I just have this stupid cloud over my head I can't shake.
 
In health today we had this woman come as a guest speaker
(from one of those help hotline things)
and she was going over signs and warnings of people
with depression and things they normally say and do...
and throughout the entire presentation she kept staring at me...
I felt like she knew everything I've been through it was weird.
Like she could just read everything I was thinking and she gave me a look at the end of the period
like she wanted to talk to me
but I left as soon as the bell rang...
Yes I might not be the happiest person in the world
and yes I'm aware I go through periods of depression but I really don't need you to confront me about it.
Idk I'm probably just being paranoid again...
If my parents and friends can't tell I'm hiding shit
there is absolutely no way a total stranger could..
 
Anyway the point of me making this set (kinda)
Was to ramble on about this kid that I may possibly like?
 
I'm still not entirely sure about liking him but
hes funny
and he has incredibly blue eyes.
and he looks like a lemur ahaha
like in all seriousness
But hes so cute though :)
 
We walk home together basically everyday
(with my best friend and sometimes her cousin and this other guy we go to school with Gavin)
and the walks home are honestly the best part of my day.
 
There is something about him that I can't exactly place
But even after coming from a school full of people I can't stand,
just walking home with them
my day becomes instantly better.
 
I have to start texting him and stuff though
because I'm not going to screw this up like I did
last year with Dalton...
Which yes I will admit to being all my fault for being stupid
(Again)
and thinking he was better than me...
 
Ok well it's 10:30 and I haven't gotten a full night of sleep in a week
So I guess I'm sleeping tonight.
Love you all <3 Xx

I'm soooo sorry I haven't been on in so long!!!
[I think I'm going to just go back to using polyvore to vent.]
And judging by my year so far
I'm not going to be on much.
[So Sorry again..]
Surprisingly after everything this summer
Everything is soo much better!
 
-School's ok.. it's as good as it's gonna get.
-My mom's easier to ignore, because ya know being in school for 6 hours a day
 
But so far this year actually isn't not that bad.
I'm talking to this guy I kinda like
(but more as a friend)
I'm more confident (kinda)
 
And the fact that December is only 2 months away is incredible.
I really can't wait.
Like I feel like I'm finally ready to meet him, everything about meeting him feels right.
 
Back over the summer I was insanely insecure
I felt like everything was going wrong
and there was no chance in anything good happening to me.
but now everything is different.
I can't really explain how but it just is.
I'm hoping this year is going to be better than last year and December works out well.. :D
See you guys soon! <3 Xx

[Really really really crappy set that I will fix later. sorry]
 
Anyway I haven't been on in a while because
my mom took my laptop away.
My one source of sanity.
The one way I could vent.
And not totally collapse.
Not give up all hope and pick up the horrible habit I was working so hard to drop......
oh well...
 
There was only so much I could do.
I guess my 2 month goal was ruined...
ohh darn.
not like it matters.
Not like anyone was actually affected by it.
Or noticed....
 
anyway i'm busy feeling sorry for myself
and feeling more and more depressed than before...
 
And on top of all that my one source of 'happiness'
Is a figment of my imagination...
its getting bad again
 
ok I need to sleep
Night Xx

This is getting ridiculous now.
I can't do anything anymore without a constant
reminder that my life will never be how I want it
and the only person I have to blame is myself...
 
I give up.
I'm done trying
I don't know what to do...
 
For now I'm going to continue avoiding my real life.
And go read...
It's the only way for me to escape.
the only way for me to avoid the constant voices.
 
Sorry this makes absolutely no sense.
I just can't do this anymore.
Sorry....

Ok so I need to rant
(sorry in advance, I know this one is going to seem really stupid and pointless and seem like its not a big deal at all considering all the other shit my life has thrown at me thus far but I'm so pathetic my life has come down to this.)
 
I hate that I am completely head over freakin heals in love with a guy I have never met.
My life is so pathetic right now..
I swear.
 
Ok
I'm talking to this really nice, smart, funny, British, freaking awesome guy right now.
His name is luke.
and all I can do is think about zayn
 
I HAVE NEVER met him
I WILL NEVER meet him
And even if I did get the chance to meet him I wouldn't have the slightest chance in the world
He is so absolutely perfect.
 
It is so pathetic that I would do anything for him.
literally anything!
And I have never even met him.
 
With everything going on in my life
I can't believe this is what I'm thinking about right now...
 
I honestly feel like I will never be good enough for anyone ever.
I'm not even talking about being in 'a relationship'
because I have already accepted the fact no one will ever actually like me
But even when I try to help people but I always end up fuc.king everything up.
I have had so much shit happen to me in my life that I should be good at dealing with problems
but no i cause more problems then I actually help.
 
Everything really sucks right now
and i feel like i'm making things alot worse for everybody...
 
Sorry.....

Ok So I have a bunch to tell you guys
 
First off I've given up all hope for that contest.
(Thanks again for putting up with all my shit and sorry for being so annoying aha)
I really really can't thank you guys enough!! X <3 Xx
 
Ok so I'm going upstate to see my aunt
and for some huge 'family reunion' -___-
(......... SOMEONE PLEASE SHOOT ME NOW!!!)
 
Yes this is the same trip I was trying to get out of because of my best friends birthday is sunday <3
but my mom ended up moving the trip earlier
so we could get back ON her birthday...
 
(Why I couldn't just stay home by myself I don't know???)
Its not like I have a life..
I would have just sat in my room on my laptop
probably eating everything in the house because I could ;D
and maybeeee had rosie over. ya know because it was her birthday...
It's not like I like anyone else in this freakin town except for her
so it's not like I was going to have some hugeeeee party
 
...anywayyyyy I obviously couldn't get out of it
so Tomorrow
(AT 6 IN THE MORNING)
my dad expects me to wake up and sit in the car for
4HOURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
listening to
-my sisters complain about being tired
-hearing my parents fight
-& 4 hours worth of my parents crappy music
 
AND MY IPOD IS BROKEN!!!!!
~Everytime I need that thing It decides to crap out........~
 
Ohhhhh and guess what I did!!!!
I died my hair blue!! :D
Well not entirely
I died under it blue.
 
My dad hates it (shockerr)
but it was either this or a tattoo so he better shut the hell up before I make my mom take
me to get that anyway
I think it looks pretty cool :)
 
I just can't wait for the reactions from my family.
They all already think I'm insane
My Uncle actually asked my mom to get me tested....
Loving Family I Have Rightttt...... :D
 
Yeah I don't like them much... actually I don't like them at all..
So this weekend is going to be....
ummmm..
Interesting...
Yeahh lets call it 'interesting'...
 
If I actually make it back home alive from this 'family weeked'
I'll let you guys know how it went...
 
I mayyyy have to kill a few of my relatives...
but who really cares about that??? ;D
 
Ok well considering I have to get up in
4 hours I'm going to try and get some sleep.
Night lovies <3 Xxx